Week 202: The Elements of Smile


This week's contest was suggested by many people, but originally by Tom Shroder of Miami Beach. Tom wins a CD-ROM containing "the highlights of 16,000 pages of tables, diagrams, pictures and documents on Turkish history, economy, social and cultural life, including background information on important Turkish foreign policy issues, texts of bilateral and multilateral agreements, and samples of Turkish music." Anyway, Tom suggests that you interpret any of the above computer emoticons, or "smileys." For those of you who may be unfamiliar with these items because you have a job that requires no technological knowledge, such as camel slaughterer, we will explain that a smiley is a series of symbols made on a computer keyboard and interpreted as a message. It is often but not always read by rotating it 90 degrees clockwise. For example,

:-)))))) might be "Marlon Brando, happily contemplating his next meal." First-prize winner gets a set of four never-used antique cork-and-lacquer coasters featuring a photograph of Richard Nixon and Elvis Presley, a value of $ 30. 

Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 202, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 3. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Jean Sorensen of Herndon for today's Ear No One Reads, and to make our final pitch for new names for the days of the week. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report From Week 199, in which we asked you to tell us the difference between any two of 18 items we enumerated.

Good answer, too popular to reward with a prize: What is the difference between a Cabbage Patch Snack Time Kid doll and an ethics lecture from Newt Gingrich? One eats hair, the other heats air.

* Sixth Runner-Up: What is the difference between a cell in Lorton and monkeys at keyboards? Monkeys at keyboards hold a greater chance of someone completing a sentence.

(Patricia Kearney, Williamsburg)

* Fifth Runner-Up: What is the difference between a genuine Pickett slide rule and that woman who married JFK Jr.? One dress size. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

* Fourth Runner-Up: What is the difference between a genuine Pickett slide rule and Ruth Bader Ginsburg doing the Macarena? A slide rule produces algorithms; Ruth Bader Ginsburg produces Al Gore rhythms. (Frank and Cindy Curry, Richmond)

* Third Runner-Up: What is the difference between Miss Manners's commode and pregnancy? Only once, at most, has a pregnancy been immaculate. (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga)

* Second Runner-Up: What is the difference between God and monkeys at keyboards? God wrote, "In the beginning, the Earth was without form and void," and the monkeys wrote, "ill fakjfwe q3h4t9p a[8a9j SZJfleHT[Z;KJH " (John Kammer, Herndon)

* First Runner-Up: What is the difference between a Rottweiler in a baby carriage and that woman who married JFK Jr.? Carolyn never looks like she's just had a good meal.

(Sarah Worcester, Bowie)

* And the winner of the genuine Pickett slide rule:

What's the difference between "the courfe of human eventf" and an ethics lecture from Newt Gingrich? One has no S, and the other is full of it. (Rob Klotz, Olney)

*Honorable Mentions:

What is the difference between a cell in Lorton and a Cabbage Patch Snack Time Kid? The doll gives you a better haircut. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

What is the difference between a Rottweiler in a baby carriage and pregnancy? The Rottweiler is more likely to get you a seat on the subway. (David Genser, Vienna)

What is the difference between a genuine Pickett slide rule and an ethics lecture from Newt? The slide rule gives answers to three significant digits; the lecture only requires one. (Greg Arnold, Herndon)

What is the difference between a shortstop from Yemen and a cinnamon bun shaped like Mother Teresa? A shortstop from Yemen would truly be a miracle. (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga)

What is the difference between monkeys at keyboards and God? No one would believe you if you told them the monkeys wrote the Bible. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

What is the difference between God and a Cabbage Patch Snack Time Kid? You can sue for acts of a Cabbage Patch Snack Time Kid. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

What is the difference between God and Ruth Bader Ginsburg doing the Macarena? If you see God, it's a pretty good chance you are not in Hell. (Jack Turner, Arlington)

What is the difference between a cell in Lorton and a Cabbage Patch Snack Time Kid? A child could escape from a cell in Lorton. (Jerry Ewing, Fairfax)

What is the difference between a Rottweiler in a baby carriage and an ethics lecture by Newt? One is punished by a gentle smack and a firm "No! Bad boy!" whereas the Rottweiler would probably be put to sleep. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

What is the difference between that flappy thing at the back of the throat and an ethics lecture from Newt? If you try really hard, maybe you could swallow that flappy thing. (Russell Beland, Springfield; Vicky Crowder, Fredericksburg)

What is the difference between a shortstop from Yemen and that woman who married JFK Jr.? The shortstop will never make that big a catch. (Vicky Crowder, Fredericksburg; Susan Reese, Arlington)

What is the difference between a shortstop from Yemen and that woman who married JFK Jr.? The shortstop will occasionally let you get to second base. (Michael D. Dudzik, Alexandria)

What is the difference between the medical uses of marijuana and a cell in Lorton? A prescription. (David K. Ronka, Bradford, Mass.)

What is the difference between that woman who married JFK Jr. and a genuine Pickett slide rule? She's more calculating. (Frank and Cindy Curry, Richmond; Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)

What is the difference between a cell in Lorton and Miss Manners's commode? Those little scented soaps. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

What is the difference between Miss Manners's commode and a cinnamon bun shaped like Mother Teresa? It's easier to visualize the existence of God. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg)

What is the difference between that flappy thing at the back of the throat and that woman who married JFK Jr.? Nobody can remember the name of either one, but that flappy thing really bombed on the cover of People magazine. (Susan Reese, Arlington; Steve Anthony, Bethesda)

What is the difference between God and that woman who married JFK Jr.? JFK Jr. never gets God's name wrong during sex. (Jerry Ewing, Fairfax)

What is the difference between Miss Manners's commode and a cinnamon bun shaped like Mother Teresa? You can lick the commode and not feel dirty. (Michael D. Dudzik, Alexandria)

What is the difference between a genuine Pickett slide rule and pregnancy? The slide rule is easier to handle if you are over 40. (David Genser, Vienna)

What is the difference between a cinnamon bun shaped like Mother Teresa and a balanced budget? The National Enquirer would never publish a story about the budget. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

What is the difference between a cell in Lorton and a genuine Pickett slide rule? The District government doesn't have the funds to provide many of its students with slide rules. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

What is the difference between an ethics lecture from Newt and Ruth Bader Ginsburg doing the Macarena? One is an elaborate dance done with the palms out, and the other is a Supreme Court justice. (David Genser, Vienna)

What is the difference between a balanced budget and God? A balanced budget is more of an abstraction. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

* And Last:

What is the difference between a shortstop from Yemen and God? It might be funny to have people try to describe a shortstop from Yemen. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Next Week: Caption Crunch IV